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Forced Silence: A Past Life pt 2

Here is part two of the life I started yesterday. You can read the first part HERE. A word of warning. This past life had some intense forms of abuse and deals with some unpleasant themes. I Leave the hallway and the unnerving encounter. I continue about my work. Since I cannot speak I am stuck doing the work others should be doing. I can gesture for this or that but it is simple and conveys little meaning. I run more errands than is common for the favorite eunuch of a favored wife. The servants of other wives are so commanding in presence and stature.  They are like lords unto themselves. With slaves and servants at their beck and call. That is not the case with my mistress and I. I am an ornament at her side. It used to bother me. I felt useless. The others treated me like I was useless. Still people act like I am deaf and dumb in my muteness. It has its uses. Being a slave and eunuch I am a no person. Having no voice makes me invisible. It is nice being invisible. The only people I want to see me are my mistress and her children. When people do see me they are cold and cruel. Some days I do not have to leave my mistress' side. It is those days I treasure. On days like this, when the lord visits I make myself scarce. In the beginning I was always in her presence. Never far removed. The lord would come to see how she was doing in her pregnancy. He would boast and brag about the son she carried. He was tender and kind. Dotting in every manner. When a daughter was born this kind and gentle man grew hard. He would imply that his young wife had shamed him in some intentional way.  As if she had chosen to deny him a son. If she did I do not know how. Each visit his cruelty grew. One day he made the claim that he should set her aside for a eunuch like me. He could bed me as much as he wished without the shame of more daughters. He would taunt her with how I was just as pretty as she. Maybe more so. His taunts turned into open flirtations. I could see the pain and anger on her face but I was helpless to stop it. He would leave and I was unable to comfort her. She was angry, jealous, and hurt. I would reach out to her. Touch was my only expression. She would recoil. She would yell and scream at me. How I wished I could tell her how important and wonderful she was. She would send me away and cry herself to sleep. Late into the night I would creep into her bed and hug her tight. When she woke she would try to be angry. Try to vent what pain she had. But the tears and sadness would win out. We would cry together until the sun came up. Her from her hurt and I from my love and support of her. There were many tear filled nights. On a day when he was being especially vile my mistress angrily asked me to check on her daughter. Surely the child must need something that only I could provide.  Confused and hurt I was grateful for an excuse to leave. I went to where the nurse and child were resting. I caressed the small sleeping child. Thinking that even if he cannot see it she is beautiful and special. Though there was nothing for me to do I just didn't go back. Sometime later my mistress summoned me. She told me that with my absence the lord quickly grew bored and left.  From then on when ever the great master of the house came to visit she would send me away with some excuse. It got to the point where I would disappear before she even said anything. The lord visited less and less until we barely saw him at all. Those were bleak days for my mistress but I will admit I couldn't have been happier. She and her daughter were mine. She had no reason to send me away. For some reason unknown to me his interest in her grew once more. He was loving and kind. From his kindness a pregnancy developed. His excitement grew and grew. This time it had to be a son, he just knew. My mistress would smile and agree but I could see the worry and doubt behind her eyes. He only had eyes for her and his unborn child but old habits stuck, so I would not stray long in his presence. It was only in the last months of her pregnancy that my mistress would not let me go. I was always by her side. She needed my skills physically but it was more than that. She was terrified this next child would not be a son. The shame of another daughter would kill her. He would kill her. Every day she grew more nervous. She saw midwifes  and physicians and alchemists and even a holy man came to pray over her baby. Any thing she could do to influence this unknown child into being a boy. It took every ounce of energy I had to help her stay halfway sane. Until at last a boy! A triumphant and glorious boy. The Lord is overjoyed. Her place as his favorite secure. He visits often. To see her and to gaze on his son. Unless asked to stay I leave during his visits. I am not asked often. The day is drawing to an end so I go to check on my mistress. The lord is still with her. He is planning to spend the night. I help her prepare for for their love making. She is small and beautiful. I leave them to their business.  Tonight, like many others, I will sleep with the children. That way I am close but not underfoot.  I gesture to another servant that the lord is staying and will want food later in the evening. It is vulgar but easily understood. We both laugh, though mine is mostly to myself.  He moves off to make sure something is ready. The children are asleep and the nurses have everything under control.  I have the evening to myself. I leave my mistress' apartments and walk into the harem gardens. The gardens are a series of park lands and fountains inter-spaced between the harem buildings. Exotic trees and flowering bushes shade the walk ways. The sweet soft smell of life fills the air. I can see the stars start to twinkle and shine as the last rays of light disappear somewhere beyond the world I know. I let my self wander in a meandering way. Lost in thought but always conscious of where I am.  There are places in the harem where I dare not go at night. Even in the gardens, a kind of neutral ground. A person could vanish into nothing.  The result of jealousy, of greed. The women of my lord's harem fight like ravenous beasts for his attention. A dead or missing eunuch is a pointed message.  Be watchful of your food, protect your children. The lord's gaze is dangerous. All eyes are on my mistress. All eyes are on me. I stop and sit by a small pool in a dark secluded spot. I can hear the girls in the hall of concubines. They laugh and giggle into the night. I wonder what the future holds for them. My mistress was a concubine once. Until her first pregnancy changed that. I wonder who among those girls might one day become a wife. One day become an enemy. I wonder what will become of myself. Were I a man I would be a man by now. Would I have a wife? Would I be a warrior? I have heard it said the men where I come from are great warriors. Like the men who captured me. But I am a eunuch. Even a eunuch's life changes with age. Soon I will be too old to be the body servant of a lord's wife. I dread the day when that change comes. So I focus on my mistress and the days at hand. Her soft gentle smile.  Her kind voice. Deep in thought I do not hear the footsteps behind me. His voice shocking me awake. "Eunuch, all alone in the night. I came to see the sights and end up with a meal instead!" His voice is vile and repugnant. He knows he shouldn't be here. While strictly forbidden it is not uncommon for the soldiers and palace guards to spy on the women at night. The concubine hall is low hanging fruit, easily reached and often ignored. The women are protected and off limits. A pretty young eunuch is not. A pretty young eunuch is much like a woman to a lusty hungry man. "So will you give me my meal?" he asks.  Why tonight and why him. I find him extremely distasteful. He is rough and unpleasant. This is not my first encounter with him. I refuse. He is not one to use force. His only saving grace in my eyes. I start to leave and he says, "Pity. I have a special gift you may want, but if you have nothing for me, I will have to give it to someone else." I know what he means instantly. He has information. As a mute information has no value. What would I do with it. Who would I tell. I make a rude talking gesture with my hand to remind him. I can hear the grin in his voice. "Oh this is something that needs no words. Screams will fill this harem when all is done.  The question is, whose will they be?" Not an empty threat. Someone is plotting death. I am resigned to his terms. Even a mute can keep an eye out for danger.  I have to keep my mistress safe. He laughs and moves in close. My unwilling consent is all he needs. He engulfs me with his large frame. His stench is overwhelming.  This is why I hate him.  He has manipulated me again. I only hope that this information is worth it. It wouldn't be the first time he used lies to trick me. I do not resist as he forces his way into me. I try to relax and pray he will be finished quickly. He knows my small shallow voice is only expressed when I am in great discomfort. He likes to hear it and does his best to bring it out. I squirm under him. I try to exaggerate my voice though it is not easy. Finally after long and painful minutes his body shakes with climax. With all the strength I have I push him off of me and climb to my feet. I wash myself of him in the pool and brush off my clothes. He is slow in getting dressed and I am impatient for my information.  I gesture for him to get on with it. I paid the price and I want to be free of him. "It doesn't matter." he laughs. "Your mistress and her children are still as good as dead." What?! My heart falls. I sink to the paved ground. "With her gone the lord will probably send you to the barracks. You make a fine whore." He says something else but I'm no longer listening. I collect myself. I look angrily into his eyes and he laughs again. I rush to my mistress. Tears stream my cheeks. His laughter haunting behind me. Of course he wasn't worried about telling me. Who can I tell about this. How would I tell. I burst into my lady's chamber to find her sleeping with her husband. My heart is racing. I think of course they wouldn't attack now. Not with him here. I go to the children. They are as I left them. I want to think this all just a terrible dream but I know it is not. I am wracked with dread. Over the next few days I am paranoid and distant. I pull my mistress' hair on accident and she scolds me. If only I could tell her what is wrong. She grows increasingly irritated with my demeanor. I sleep poorly if at all. For once I am grateful for the lord's visits, which are almost daily. When he is here she is safe. The days turn to weeks and I begin to relax. Maybe the guard's words were just idle threats. Still there is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that danger is around every corner. On an evening much like any other I find my mistress in a fowl mood. It is the lord's night to dine with his mother. Once a month he dines in her pavilion across the garden wall. The lord, his mother, and all of the wives she is favoring. At the moment it includes every wife but my mistress. Her disapproval rings throughout the palace. My Lord always invites my mistress but it is mere courtesy.  He doesn't really mean it and she knows it. She makes a great show as she declines and they repeat the process when the day comes around the following month. Tonight this side of the harem will be painfully quiet. When I realize this is the case I go cold. If an attack is coming it will be tonight. When the lord is distracted and his ladies have his full attention. As my mistress pouts I encourage her to go. I pull out her favorite red dress and push it in her direction. She is confused with my behavior. I once again push the dress at her and point towards the dinner.  Once she gets my meaning she is shocked I would suggest this.  "You know how that woman treats me!" she almost cries. I try to force the dress on her and she backs away, now visibly upset with me. I am desperate! How can I convince her.  She turns to go. There is a knife on a table nearby. Left from an earlier meal. I grab her arm and brandish the knife at her. I make stabbing motions. I point in the direction of the mother's dinner. She screams and pushes me away. Her eyes wide in fear. I gesture yes and she screams again. "I will call the guard if you don't stop," she yells at me. I realize she thinks I mean to stab her if she doesn't go and I drop the knife. I am openly crying at this point. I fall to my knees and beg with her, plead with her to go. Something in her changes. Her eyes get glossy and dead. She says, "What's wrong with you. I don't want you any more. Get out of my room." No more kind eyes. No more gentle smiles. She goes to her bed chamber and leaves me crumpled on the floor. I've lost. Have I? I can still do something. I will force her to go. I know I am stronger than her. I don't care what happens to me. I won't take her to the dinner but somewhere away from here.  I dry my  eyes and shake myself off. I will kidnap her and the children. If only for tonight. I tiptoe to the children's room careful not to alert the nurses. When I peek around the corner, I see that they aren't there . Another signal that something is dangerously wrong. I can hear my mistress in the other room but I do not know what she is doing. She is loud and clumsy. The children are asleep. I will take them one at a time. I cannot take them both while keeping the two asleep. I look over the small baby boy. I gently lift him into my arms.  I take him to a storage room along the edge of the harem. I take great pains in hiding him. He wakes in the process but is easily put back to sleep. I creep back to my mistress' quiet apartments. I sneak in through the garden. I haven't been gone long but I know I don't have much time. I go back to the sleeping girl. I lift up her quiet body. Something is wrong. She is too quiet. I look at her face and see that she is dead. I don't know how but it is so. I gasp almost dropping her. In shock I rush into my mistress' room. I find her lifeless body messily splayed backwards in a heap on the floor.  Her hair in disarray. Her soft sweet face is blue and her hand clutches at the cord around her neck. She is dead. Grief fills my being. I am overcome by my sobs. The voice I so desperately sought over the last days and weeks comes loudly and unbidden. The only thing I ever really had in my small quiet life was my love for her and she was gone. I have never before felt so helpless and alone. I am found crying over the two lifeless bodies. A servant has come to inform us that the lord is done with his mother and wished to see his favorite wife tonight. The servant is not sure what's wrong and goes to get help. Soon the harem is alive at the news. The lord arrives and with him come soldiers and male officials. Strange men fill a place that is normally a sanctum for women and children and slaves. It upsets me to see them going through her things looking for clues. I am detained but unbound. They say I may have killed them though most of them do not believe it. The lord curses that I am a mute. I am not sure what help I could be even with speech as I am inconsolable in my grief. The lord demands to see his son. He must see the body. People increase their search of the room. Their greatest fear is that he is missing. Killed and thrown away like garbage. I exclaim, trying to get their attention. The lord addresses me, "Do you know where he is?" I gesture yes. I try to convey to him that I took him. "Did you take him?" He asks me. I gesture yes. "Why did you take him?" His voice is soft but intense. I point to the bodies of his dead wife and daughter. I start to sob. "Did you do this?" He asks, fire in his eyes. NO, a mixture of fear and anger filling my answer. "Do you know who did this?" No. "But you knew it would happen?" He asks, the puzzlement clear on his face. Yes. I cannot look at him. I am defeated. "You couldn't tell any one." His voice is almost a whisper. A strangled cry leaves my mouth and I am again reduced to tears. He pats my head to comfort me. He uses gentle touch and words to let me know that all is forgiven.  I am not convinced that  it is his to give. He demands to know where his son is. He cannot wait any longer. I guide them to the storage room. The boy still asleep in his hiding place. Unaware of the loss he has suffered. The loss I suffer. The lord is over joyed. I have never seen him so happy. "My son lives! My Son Lives!" he repeats over and over again. Any grief from his wife or daughter forgotten. He looks to me and smiles a toothy grin. He embraces me and kisses my face. "You are the best thing I have ever purchased!" I am embarrassed and devastated to be the subject of his pride. If I had known I could only save one, it wouldn't have been this boy. In the weeks to follow the lord purges his harem. Many people are implicated. Two wives are executed and four more banished into exile. He sends his mother to live with one of his brothers to the north. I do not know if he thought her guilty or just needed an excuse to be rid of her. Either way her place at his court is forfeit. I on the other hand am his prized possession. He keeps me by his side. I am a treasure on display. He tells people how I saved his son. He takes advantage of my muteness. He exaggerates the story with each telling. I quietly agree when people look to me for confirmation. It has become his story and I let him have it. Had I a voice I don't believe I could find the words to adequately express how I feel. In this moment my silence isn't forced.   So this was definitely a heavy past life with quite a charge. I hope you enjoyed it. I will create a post that examines how this past life relates to me in present time. If you are interested in having a past life reading or in learning how to read past lives yourself click HERE.  

2 thoughts on “Forced Silence: A Past Life pt 2”

  1. Wow, that is quite the past life. Your mistress was quite naive and ignorant which is to be expected I suppose, but in the end it costed her life. It is interesting to me that you were with her for so long that she would know your normal behavior but when you start acting different she is not alarmed but instead annoyed. Did she not think she was ever in any danger? And with how many wives the lord had, did he not have any other sons?

    I would love to hear more past lives from you.

    1. Thanks for all the great questions. Sorry it has taken me so long to answer them.

      My mistress was incredibly sheltered and naive for the life she had lived. I get the info that she was chosen as a young girl to train as a concubine. Then as a concubine she got pregnant really young, which I feel is strange for some reason. Like I get that they had some sort of birth control method that lessened the likelihood of pregnancy in girls that young. I don’t know. Either way she was ill prepared for the situation she found herself in. I am sure that a part of her knew the danger but she felt that as the lord’s favorite she was above it. I feel like the invincibility of youth played a part too.

      For as much as I loved her I really was just a piece of property to her. I was there to validate her needs and whims, not the other way around.

      When I look at that past life I think he did have a number of sons. Some I think had died and others were well into their teenage years and close to manhood. The info I get is that the lord saw his sons as his gift to the world. They would carry on his name and his lineage. He didn’t care how many he had or who mothered them. Just that he had as many as possible. I get that he really didn’t care what happened to them in life. Just that they were great and didn’t do anything to shame him.

      If you want to see more just keep reading!

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