Trapped in a Circle of Forced Silence

Finally I am getting to this post. I will admit it was more difficult to write than I thought it would be. When I first saw the basics of this life I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could look at the energy, work it and be done. This life presented itself in a way that was far more complex, and intense than I may have been ready for. I feel profoundly blessed to have been allowed this glimpse into the deep dark workings of my spirit. if you haven't read the past life you can do so here. Forced Silence pt1 Forced Silence pt 2 When I initially looked at this life time, the over reaching theme was the lack of voice. The inability to express myself and the danger my mistress was in. I knew that in my silence I was trapped. What I didn't realize is that the ability to speak wouldn't have created a life that was profoundly different. I would have still been a slave. I would have still been a eunuch. I would have still owned nothing of myself. This idea of ownership, of sovereignty is huge. I was a no person. I was a trinket to be admired. I had no value, while increasing the value of others. I had no voice and lacked the capacity for complex expression. I had no gender. I had no family. Even my body was not my own. If I were to go further still I would question whether I could be said to have a future or any type of potential. As part of the past life exercise, we were told to see the moment of our death. What was it like and how did we transition. I died as a very young man. 23 maybe. I was walking down a hallway where I as attacked by a man. A soldier. It was some coup or palace squabble. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I can remember laying on the floor, breathing in my own blood. Thinking that finally this life is over. As I transitioned I could feel these radiant beings around me. Loving me. Taking care of me. They were cleansing my spirit. Healing my pain and fear. They were wrapping me in gold and silver light, much like I used to wrap my mistress in silk and jewels. I was uncomfortable and wanted them to stop. I wasn't worthy of this. I had died but I was still a no person. I do not know what happened after that but I know that it was long lasting. In many ways this life destroyed my soul. It created tears that I am only just now mending, countless life times later. I reflect on how deeply I loved my mistress and her children. How in my short silent life I could love so deeply and with out conditions. Those soft kind eyes were my greatest treasure. I would have done anything to see her smile or hear her laughter. The one possession that I could truly count as my own was my love for her. I cannot say if I loved again after her death, but if I did I can with certainty say that I never again loved another person the way I loved her. With all my heart and soul. She was not without fault. She had a mean streak born of her own pain and frustration. She was in her own unwinnable situation. My proximity meant that I was often the outlet of her anger. The but of her jokes. I didn't care. I was happy to be of service and would have been till the day I died. Till the day she died. In same ways I had a level of compassion and maturity that I struggle to find in my present life. I knew that her actions didn't stem from her. I unknowingly knew that hurt people can only in turn create more hurt. I knew that to bandage her wounds I had to use love and kindness. Like the kindness she showed me. I am hesitant to love like that again. To acknowledge the vulnerabilities that such a love create. I am afraid of losing everything I have and am. It is funny because in that life love was all I had and it was all I really needed. When that love, or at least the object of it, ended I was nothing. The last vestiges of me were gone. Maybe in this life I am not the person I know myself to be. The person I so desperately cling to in the hopes of creating safety and stability. I've learned that in love I am vulnerable. When I am vulnerable I can be genuine. When I am genuine I can sincerely and without condition have love. There are people whom in my current life time I feel I cannot express myself fully. These people I love very much.  For whatever reason I do not feel safe in having the expression of my highest truth with them. We are trapped in a circle of our own forced silence as I am sure they have words they cannot say to me. So I look for an opening to be vulnerable and genuine. When I find it I will do my best to remember that in this life time I am fully a person. I have a voice that can be as loud as I give it permission to be. Thanks for joining me on this journey. It was kind of a wild ride. I hope you can find the space to be vulnerable and genuine in your own life, whatever that means for you. If you are interested in having a past life reading or in learning how to read past lives yourself click HERE.

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